this week's self portrait is called 'crossroads'.
Ever since last week's 'breakdown' I feel like I should take some kind of decision or decide on something to change so that this won't happen anymore.
I feel like it is important because every time I've had lows in the past year the overall feeling or topic they were under were always the same: Feeling stuck, not sure what I want to do with my life. Feeling stressed and at the same time like I'm not going anywhere or doing enough to satisfy myself. Feeling like I want to 'get away' and still a lot of things that hold me where I currently am.
But I can't really think of anything that feels like a solution at the moment. Normally in these situations I have a feeling of which direction to turn or what to try, but this time I feel like somebody blindfolded my heart.
However, during the weekend I've done quite some thinking and I have some points that seem worth taking note of.
For one, I am very, very glad that we are not staying in my flat anymore. I hadn't realised until we moved here how absolutely obsessed I had gotten with household chores. I was in such a frenzy from pushing myself to get all the sorting and packing done, that I just couldn't get down from it. I think it helped a lot in letting go that we have much more space now and sometimes you can just close a door and let things be.
Further on I noticed how I was frantically trying to solve the riddles of my depressed mind with logic, scribbling lists and paining my brain by thinking everything over and over and over.
Do you see a pattern there? It seems Little Miss Take It Easy is actually quite obsessed with having everything under control.
I have developed a physical stress symptom that seems to be related to that, too: I clench my jaws. I don't grind my teeth, so no worries there, but I clench them so hard - especially whilst sleeping - that my jaw muscles get very tense and it makes my whole face ache. After a night of clenching I wake up in the morning with tight neck muscles and a horrible headache that makes me feel like I haven't slept at all.
The only thing I can think of at the moment to address this topic is to consciously try to let go and take up meditating more regularly.
If my jaw doesn't get better I might have to see a dentist or something, but I'm pushing that off a bit right now (I'm not afraid of dentists, but my bank account is! oO).
So let's see if lying back helps a bit.
Have a relaxed Thursday! ;o)