OK now. Thank you all for your concern and your wishes, I feel a little guilty to have scared you.
First, let me assure you that whatever horrors I am gonna describe to you: That's how it looks when your in the middle of it and scared sh*, and on a whole I will be absolutely fine.
Although, baby, little did I know how deep I would have to go when I proudly babbled about diving like it's just there and back again.
When I started feeling low a couple of days ago I thought it was only natural. Although I have enjoyed the past few weeks immensely, they have also been full of organising and changes and therefore a not avoidable level of stress. Add to it little sleep of the past few days, the feeling of not getting on with my drawing projects (with a deadline looming) and a strange, wildly blossoming perfectionism mostly affecting household chores that started to unravel into some sort of OCD-thingy.
I don't know how other people's psyches handle this but I think it is normal that we can only take so much.
Out of order.
OK, I thought, been there, done that. Some pampering and the energy will come back eventually.
Well, it's just that I'm not the only one around here with weak nerves and a long to-do list and even worse. And suddenly, the friendly neighbourhood low mutated into a scary thing that nudged both me and Trev into our weakest spots until we just couldn't be reasonable anymore.
I don't think I've ever felt hurt, shame, sadness, anger, panic, regret and empathy at the same time so much and I don't think I want to go there again.
Not going there again is my guiding star on the way out of the depth now. I think this time I can say that I am on the way. It might take me some time to get back and I still feel a bit like recovering after an illness, but I always have that after downs, so I think this is actually a good sign.
If I have my thoughts about the matter cleared enough I will write about what I intend to do to not fall into that hole again tomorrow.
(Oh I know there will be others. But it's only making the same mistake twice that feels a bit embarassing.)
Thanks again for your sympathies.