The universe is with you

If you have a bright thought today, send it my way, I will use them all to create the big magic that is going to happen this afternoon, as I step into the ritual circle to change my life. 

Awakening the dreamer

Always, but more clearly so in the times of transitions, I awe at how things come together in life. Coming home from a shaking ritual of goodbye to the old ways, I somehow find my way on the web to the pages of the Pachamama Alliance.
Within an hour of letting past things go, I am presented with new perspective, hopes and inspiration. May they bless you, too!



Awakening the Dreamer, Changing the Dream, 15 minute trailer from Vivian Dittmar on Vimeo.

A short update

Heya everyone,
blogger just published an empty post whilst I was away... really weird!
I've been out meeting people all weekend and until yesterday - so many great moments and hours and hours of good discussions!
Now I'm at home, taking the three days until Saturday to prepare for my initiation ritual.
Mainly I'm trying to keep open for more inspiration or insights that might happen, but whilst I'm doing that I'm just taking it easy, drinking a lot of tea, meditating, taking walks and going with the flow. At the moment I just feel unusually tired and I'm actually quite glad about it, it seems to be a sign that my mind and body are able to let go.
Since I'm trying to keep my screentime during those days to a minimum, I'm just typing this and might return to my Sudoku (I'm afraid I might be addicted...) afterwards.
I hope you're having a great week!
Sending love to everyone!

Sshh - I'm writing a masterplan!

In the past week, inbetween trying to find a flatmate for next month, babysitting and having my sweet sister as a guest, I didn't really get much time to think and organise.
I am a person who loves to have an overview. Making a plan motivates me more than anything else. Having things all lied out in front of me, neatly ordered by topic or importance, marked with different colors... add some cute stickers and I'm totally in!
I also really really need time to do this. To sit down and think, write down endless lists, then make lists off these lists and order those lists in neat folders. Some things need a big page to be written down on. Others are snippets of thoughts, philosophic insights or just personal ramblings that go into my diary. Things that will be used often or very simple to do lists go in my carry-on notebook. To do lists for computer-related things I write on desktop stickie notes. Webpages I want to look at more closely one day get filed in my favourites.

So a 'planning and thinking' session is jumping back and forth between different mediums, sometimes closing my eyes and just thinking or meditating, sometimes writing or typing furiously. It's something I do with fervor and is totally sacred for me.

That's what I've been doing yesterday. Amongst other things, I wrote down a spiritual manifesto, invented a couple new rituals, created an outline for my spiritual life and wrote a blogpost about my diet.
Quite a productive day, I would say.

The thing about planning your life? You have to accept you will never be finished. As long as you live you will be adapting, changing, rearranging, writing down new dreams and plans... it's a wonderful firework.
I've created an impormptu altary of gratefulness to remember myself that it is not about putting the last tick on the list, but about enjoying the process of achieving all the wonderful things you wrote on that list.

What plans are you excited about or what dreams for your life do you have these days?

Merry Imbolc

Imbolc is a pagan festival that celebrates the very first signs of spring. Depending on the region, that would be ewes giving birth to lambs, snowdrops pushing through the frozen earth, even the first of some milder days.
Imbolc has many forms and faces, and as always, it doesn't really matter what the name, what's important is the overall feeling of relief and hope as the days get perceptively longer. In some countries, people braced themselves for the last tough period of winter, when all the stored food started running out and new crops couldn't be harvested yet.

Today people celebrate groundhog day in the U.S., it's the season for Fastnacht.. rituals that want to make sure winter is driven away and summer is going to be good.

Imbolc is often celebrated in honour of Brighid, the three-fold goddess of creativity.

I have been a bit sick-lish during this week, so I didn't get out to buy some new candles for the celebration as I had planned. Instead, I made do what we had at home and set up an altary for Brighid in the livingroom, next to the sanctuary-bed.

I didn't really do a big ritual... just some praying and meditating, that's what I was capable of... I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, it seems like I've taken on some big goals for this year and I have to simplify. I was praying for help to organise it better so that I would not feel like I was drowning in to-dos.
In my meditation, I met Brighid in a beautiful garden. She was wearing a plaid shirt, overalls and wellies, and she had a very foul language. She reminded me a bit of a hobbit-lady. ^^

Anyways, it seems that even the smallest amount of effort is opening barriers these days and I think I made another good step towards getting it all in order and actually move forward.

This Sunday, my little sister is coming to stay with us for a week. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'll be busy until then getting some things done.

I hope Brighid grants you inspiration and fruit-loaden orchards for your efforts these days!

New year's resolutions - Theme song

So here it is, this brand new 2012. I always get a bit amazed at new years. It's funny, I should be used to it. I get new year twice a year. My spiritual year ends and begins with Halloween. It has always felt right that way, and not weird at all. And I still get amazed every time, by the sparkly new thing that is lying before me, the opportunities, the maybes, the plans, the energy, the redemption. I do get amazed easily, it has to be said.
Well, maxabella has asked what our word for this new year would be. You know, something like a motto, or a theme word for this year, something easy and short that helps you keep in mind something that you want to work on.

My word would be compassion.

It encompasses everything I've learned in 2011. It was the answer to the questions I started this last year with.
Am I a good enough person? - Practice compassion and you will always be more than good enough.
Where am I going in this life? - As long as you choose the path of compassion, every destination will be the right one.
How do I find energy and confidence to pursue my goals? - They lie in compassion. Compassion for yourself and the world.

And most importantly: What is the meaning of life?
It's compassion! Whoever brings love into this world will not have lived in vain.

I am still so moved by the blessing of these truths and the fact that I have found them after such a long search, that I get teary eyes whilst typing these phrases.

So, for 2012, the motto, the meaning, the tool, the goal, will be compassion. I will strive to let love and passion glow in everything that I do, every impact that I have on this world, everything that I do to myself.

It's gonna be a good one! :o)

Some more Yule pictures

Our improvised altary on a hat box. ^^

This is what the scene in front of the window looked like yesterday at nightfall, as we were waiting for the dark.

And this is what greeted me this morning:

Phew! Another year where the sun hasn't died, but is reborn. :o) Hooray for sunny days! I think I'm gonna take the plunge and go for a run in the park now.

Here's some pictures of my yule-styling. When nobody around you celebrates, you have to make the day special for yourself somehow.

Tonight it's the whole family outing to the theater. I'm curious as to what awaits me in terms of British comedy...

Yule

Even though it's only small and simple, we've improvised an altary and a little celebration for the solstice. And we'll bear with the world as the longest night wears on.
To you all a blessed Yule, happy Hanukka and a very merry Christmas!

The call

The Godess has touched me, in a way that I would never have thought was possible, and in a moment in my life where I needed her most.
Before this I had felt more and more disconnected from my beliefs and I felt that no matter how hard I tried to meditate and pray, my spirituality was slipping away from me.
Now I feel as if my batteries have been charged. The feeling of connection and finding Her everywhere in my life is back.

picture by Martin

But I'm not just standing here feeling refreshed and more sure than ever of how to live my life.
Vision quests (a kind of trance meditation where you'll have dreamlike visions) are a big part of my religious practise and the two that I've been on since last week were quite exceptional. In the first one, I met Shakti for a dance in a purifying fire, and she told me that this was not the end, but the beginning of something.
What she meant became more clear in the second vision where I received very detailed instructions for an initiation ritual.

When I first got interested in paganism as a teenager, I gave myself a trial time of a year and a day as an "apprentice witch". After this timespan of experimenting, reading and meeting other pagans, I decided that this was "it". I only then changed to calling myself pagan when somebody asked for my religion. I devoted my further practise to Baba Jaga, who had also inspired my name (although that was long before that time). Ever since then, I have considered myself a scholar of  the Old Lady and have found her to be a wise if somewhat challenging and unpredictable matron.
In this vision that I had about my initiation I have been told that my time with Baba Jaga is now over. I have been called to enter a new stage in my spirituality. It feels like this part of the path will be lighter but also more concrete and demanding.
I have been informed about certain rules that will apply for this stage of my journey, and I have been assigned a task.
It will affect my life quite a bit more than it has so far. Until now, I've been used to shape my spirituality to suit the rest of my life. After this initiation I will - to a certain degree - shape my life around my religion.

As you can surely imagine, I am really excited and I just can't wait... It feels a bit like christmas, or maybe first communion for christians.


So... this is the story of how religion suddenly got really really important in my life... and how it made me feel like a sun that can shine for everyone...
It does feel a bit weird to write about all these things out here, but it's affecting me so much these days, I could never write this blog without telling you and not feel like a liar.

Have a blessed evening! :o)

The Grace of the Goddess

A note ahead:
If you're familiar with my blog you might have noticed that there is a category called "little pagan life" and might have heard me mention my religion every once in a while. I don't write about spirituality very often, partly because I'm not sure how to write about it and not make it sound kitchy or esoteric, partly because it is not a predominant topic I write about, and partly because I don't want to make anybody feel like I'm pushing my beliefs on them.
So, dear reader, whatever background you have, note that the following text talks about my very personal spirituality and religion. I don't claim for it to be the only truth, nor would I ever want to challenge anybody elses beliefs.

For everyone who doesn't really know where to file "pagan": I believe in Gods and Godesses, I pray to Father sky and Mother Earth, I talk with the spirits that are in everything we see and don't see and I believe that the energy that the whole world is made out of is holy and part of the godly matter, just like you and me. 

The story that leads up to this Wednesday in November 2011 begins about two years back, in the summer of 2009. That was the summer when I quit my job and traveled for half a year. I spent most of 2010 working different short-time jobs and then took another half year of in early 2011 to pursue my dream of illustrating children's books.

I think it was somewhere between different journeys in that first summer that I realised that this is the time you always dream about when you are younger. I had finished school, finished studying, I was all grown up and independent. This was the time where I could start doin whatever I wanted.
This realisation started to really depress me, because it seemed like I wasn't passionate enough about anything I tried to really make it feel like I was living a dream. I liked traveling, but it made me homesick and I realised that it could never be the sole content of my life. But when I was working, I felt itchy to get moving again. I couldn't see myself fulfilled by my job as a kindergarten teacher, even when I took a nature education course that I felt very inspired by.

Then I plunged into illustration. I loved making art the main focus of my life at home (and sneaking in a lot of traveling). But I felt guilty about not being professional enough, not working hard enough, not progressing fast enough... I felt insecure if I really wanted to put so much energy into something I couldn't really see myself making a living out of very soon.
Everything in my life that I like I liked - but I was not driven by it.

I like painting

I yearned for a purpose, for the feeling of doing the right thing. Whenever I looked at my life I had the feeling that I would look back when I was older and think "Was that really all there is?"
But what more could I do? The more goals I set myself the more stressed and depressed I got. If I took it easy the feeling of guilt would come back.
I just didn't know what to do! I felt so empty and confused and unfocused, no matter what I did.

In the course of this year I realised more and more that I would not be able to solve this problem with my waking mind. I started praying more and more intensely, begging the Gods to give me a sign, a clue, something that would ease my mind.

Be careful what you wish for for your wish might be granted... 

On this Wednesday, I went out for a walk. This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards. It might sound a bit unctuous, but it is as close to the experience as I can get. 

As I am walking, I know that the world is beautiful. The sun is shining from a clear blue sky, lighting up the grass and bare trees next to the footpath and caressing my face. Looking at the mountaintops makes me feel as if I was standing at the side of a giant river, looking up at the shapes of the pebbles looming over me, glistening in all their water-washed glory.

I see the beauty and I like it, but my soul is not connected with it. It circles in its own universe of doubts and thoughts; plans, desires, fears race through my mind. 

I needed a big, neon sign

 I had prayed for guidance, for relief, for a sign, anything, for a long long time. I was not even sure if my prayers were heard, for the more desperately I was looking for a solution with my rational mind the further I felt I drifted away from the peaceful center of my mind and the more disconnected I became with my spirituality.

I have prayed, nonetheless. I have lit candles, whispered prayers before going to sleep, wished for help as hard as I could. I had cried and I had given up on it, only to start all over again.

On this afteroon, as I am walking through the beauty without feeling it in my soul, the Gods decide to reach out for me.

There are no rainbows, no flashes of lights, no beating wings, but I know that what I am receiving at this moment is an epiphany. I could not even try to describe which angle of my consciousness is shifting or what thoughts I have at this moment, when the whole world, nature and all its forces and spirits, when Gaia raises to embrace me.

At this moment, I feel the purpose of my life – of life – as clearly as if it had been laid out in front of me, just for me. It is no thought, no words in my head, nothing that I have worked out in my mind that wells up inside me. It is the feeling, the sense of the ultimate, the purpose, and it is inscribed in every single one of my cells. Clouds of mist are snatched away from the outer layers of my soul and revealing what my self has known from the moment it came to being.

I look up at the mountain, and I see. I look at the river and I hear. I run over the grass and I feel. I smile at the sun and the trees. Seconds later, a deep, never ending feeling of gratitude wells up inside me and I am in tears. Then it strikes me again how lucky I am and how everything is alright now. I chuckle and start to sing along with the music I'm listening to until I can't hold myself together anymore and laugh out loud, skipping along the path. I have been touched by the Godess, by her grace and love. I am not lost. I am secure in her hands and life is so simple and beautiful before my eyes, like the most perfect crystal that has ever been found. I wipe my face because I'm crying again.

Ok, I swear by my glowing soul that there is no word of exaggeration in this last paragraph (not in the whole text actually...), this is really how it happened and a couple of bicyclists must have had a very peculiar experience...  

And what is it now, the meaning of life, the ultimate truth, the thing that made me act like a freaking fool on abright Wednesday afternoon? I'll tell you, but I warn you: It sounds simple, it is simple, and you can read it as many times as you want, if you don't feel it, if it doesn't hit you in the face with your very own personal epiphany, it will only be a bunch of pretty words.

The purpose of life is to be yourself. To contribute with everything that you have, with your happiness. Make art, make love, smile, do yourself good, broaden your mind. Be the source of unconditional love for the universe. You don't have to force yourself to do anything that does not bring you joy, if it isn't for an ultimate purpose of joy. Bring joy into the life of others. Freely and to your own heart's delight. You cannot force the world to change, but you can be the change in the world, the jewel that is picked up by whoever is meant to find it and be touched by it. Trust in Her to guide you so that you will touch the right beings at the right time.

This is the big thing that happened to me last week. You see, nothing that really shows on the outside... but on the inside... I'm still so shaken and feeling so blessed and grateful and just at ease... Everything I have done since this day has been filled with love and smiles and has felt like the fulfillment of my very personal task in life. 

Also, there have been a couple more things that added up on top of this. But this post is already leeeengthy and I will talk about it tomorrow.

If you've made it this far: Thank you!! It feels so good to be able to spill this because I'm so excited about it!

England swings...

Let me just say it with Roger... ;o)




Ok, enough of the fun. I tell you: I have just spent about half an hour weeding through all the pictures that I have taken during our trip and I had such a hard time deciding on a sensible number to show to you. I really love the different modes my new camera has, it saves me most of the editing and therefore quite a lot of time. Sometimes the pictures are just much better quality if I choose the right mode (hand-held night mode for example is a lifesaver!) and sometimes it just gives the picture an extra bit of interest (extra vibrant and toy camera are my two favourites!). I also think that very slowly, bit by bit, I do start to see a little difference in my photographing abilities. I don't think it will eve take my interest enough for me to really get the hang of it, but I take a lot of pictures and I realise that if I read an article about photography from time to time and try to mind some of the tips that I remember, sometimes it does make a difference. Also, with more experience I know much better what will look good on the screen later and I choose the angles of my pictures more carefully.

Anyways... I've selected a few (really only a fraction!) for you to see here. If you want to look at more, I'll include the links to the facebook albums at the end.

Good golly people, England is beautiful in fall...

You've seen enough pictures of London City when we were there in spring (or go to the album if you haven't had enough ^^), but this one I really like!!

We drove out west to Somerset to visit Trev's Grandmother. On Samhain (Halloween) we visited his Grandad's grave and went to see Stonehenge. It's a very impressive site. A shame though that they fenced it all off.
On the way back I just had to stop by this place on the road - having heard so many bad things about this chain! ^^

Well, yeah, I had toast and beans, pretty much how I would have made them at home (not the best thing to say about a dish) and Trev had a pretty decent vegi burger in a cold bun. But they had internet.

And we saw this guy in the car that was parked next to ours... I nearly dropped dead laughing! He seriously believed he was totally gonna drive this car away any second. Even kept checking the side mirror!! *lol*

From Somerset we drove over to Glastonbury where we spent three days exploring the town's many many spiritual/hippie/magical/esoteric shops, enjoyed the fact that most of the cafés offered organic food, discovered the choccolate love temple and offered candles to the Goddess.
First thing we did though, after we'd dropped off our bags was walk up to the Thor.
What a walk! What a wind! What a dower! What a view!!!!

I can't believe how close we were to not going to see the abbey. We were not really in the mood for yet more ruins... but oh my, it's just stunning! And if the ruins are not, then the park is!

This is the church of the town by night. We also did a quick detour to the cathedral in Wells, which is an absolutely stunning building.

We thought if we're gonna stay in Glastonbury then we should do it with style and so we stayed at an Indian ashram - in a yurt! The place is actually really delighting and the people there were phantastic. I must admit that I skipped all the morning meditations, but the practical spirituality that they have could be felt through all the house. I'd love to go back for a yoga retreat...

Whilst driving over to Dorste two days later, we encountered the most stunning rainbow ever. It was a double rainbow, and it span right from one end of this field to the other. The sky was so clear for a minute or two that we could see both ends of the bow, this closer one seemed to come down only a couple of hundred meters in front of us - the colors were visible over the grass!!!
I have never seen anything so magical and it's well possible I never will anymore... of all the spiritual places that we visited, this one, in the middle of a journey, out of the blue, is probably the one that I will most remember!

For the last two days in the countryside we visited Trev's friend Pete and started off the Guy Fawkes weekend with the Carnival in Bridgewater - so much fun! If you haven't seen it, watch the video that I made about this event: Video Link

The next day, after visiting the White Giant, we made our way back to London, to watch the bonfire burning the Guy and some great firework.

If you're not already knocked out with this picture-heavy post, you can see more of my snapshots here:
England in fall
West England - Hobbits, clowns and druids

I hope you had a great start in November!!